i’m looking through all of our pictures together, and it makes me realise what a special connection we have. i’ve never met anybody like you before. you’re one of a kind. we understand each other so well, and if i were to ever lose you, i don’t know what i’d do with myself. and you told me the same once, that i was so important to you, that you don’t know what you’d do if you lost me. evidently, you don’t always mean what you say.
today, i was so scared, because it was almost the end of our relationship. it was really my fault for bringing it up, but basically, she told me that she can’t commit to this relationship anymore, that she has to put her study first and that she doesn’t have the time to be in a relationship; that it’d be better off, because she didn’t want to hurt me anymore. but seriously, that is the worst reason to break up with someone. as much as you love somebody, if you really love them, then you would never do that to them, not ever. if you really love someone, you’d want to be with them no matter what.
so anyway, i was quite upset at her suggestion of this. she said that we’d still be friends, but that we couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. you have no idea, when she said all of this, how much pain i was feeling inside of me. my insides were cringing, my heart felt like it was pierced through, and i was just about ready to cry in front of her. the tears were so close to leaking out of the edge of my eyes. and i could see in her eyes too, that she too was trying to stop herself from crying. i know how much she doesn’t want to do it, but i know that the only reason she’s doing this is for my own sake, because she’s afraid of hurting me.
you know, she also said that, the fact that i don’t study, or care about my education, makes her lose slight interest in me. obviously she only means well, but apparently me not studying and being lazy affects the way she feels about me. she started to question whether she could put up with somebody like me?
i don’t think i’ve ever felt so upset at the thought of losing somebody. i guess it really proves how much i love her. i’ve never been so scared in my life, and i was really thinking of accepting it. i thought, maybe it’s better this way. but, i knew that if i broke up with her, i’d only want to keep on talking to her, cause i know how much i’d miss her, and i would be thinking of her constantly, but i’d have to remember my promise that i would never speak to her ever again.
so, here’s what we agreed on. that we would give it a month. that we would try to fix things, to get back to a normal relationship, try to forget all of these complications, and (although i did not say this to her) i would start trying for uni. i’m going to start studying, do my assignments early, finish my homework. i think that, this is a good chance for me to get back on track. this is the perfect excuse for me to get my shit together.
so although things aren’t perfectly back to normal, and i know this doesn’t mean things are fixed forever, and i know that after a month if things haven’t changed, that i would agree with breaking up with her, but i think things are much better than how they have been for the past three weeks. and i know that i’ll constantly be thinking about the fact that i could lose her forever in a month, but i would feel much better than i do if we broke up today. i would have known that, at least we tried. i know that she’d feel better too. and that way, i won’t hate her, and maybe we’d be able to stay friends. but hey, maybe we won’t break up at all, and things will go back to normal.
i can only pray…