For the past couple of weeks I have continuously kept denying that I have a problem, but now I think it’s time that I actually admit that I do, though I’m still not entirely sure what the problem is. However, one thing that I can be sure of is that it stems from way back to when I had broken up with my ex, six months ago. The only thing I was worrying about back then was trying to get over her, but now the problem has gotten way worse. It’s as if my attitude towards everything, and my take on life has changed completely, in a bad way. Instead of facing problems, I choose to avoid them - take today for example; in order to prevent awkwardness and seeing a certain somebody, facing them, and attempting to fix out the problem between us, I chose instead to ditch my friend’s birthday and stay home instead, all because I didn’t want to see her. That’s not really a main issue, but the problems I’m facing with this person may be contributing to the entire problem as a whole.
I’ve become very anti-social recently. I feel like a pathetic, lonely existence. Despite having friends, I still feel like I have no friends. I feel like I’d be a bother if I go and talk to any of my friends about these problems, because they probably wouldn’t even care anyway. That, and I just don’t want to talk about it. Then there’s Serena, she still refuses to talk to me, and I kinda gave up, which is why I didn’t go to my friend’s birthday today. I’m actually starting to hate her. It’s confusing you see, because although it really pisses me off that she’s ignoring me despite my attempts to make amends, I still feel really upset because it’s as if I did something despicable and she can’t forgive me for it ever. It hurts, because it’s like she hates me, and I don’t even know why. It just makes things worse really. I haven’t gone out once these holidays; no one’s asked me, and I haven’t asked anyone to do anything. I just don’t want to. I just want to stay at home where I can relax in my own personal bubble.
It’s not only that, but it’s my entire lack of motivation to even get through uni. This year, I’ve found out how much I hate science, but the thing is, I don’t know if it’s because I’m just lazy and I never study, or because I really do hate it, although the fact that I’m lazy and have no motivation to study is extremely frustrating and it drives me mad with every passing day. I’m lost - at first I was sure that I wanted to do something science-related, but now I feel like I don’t want to do anything related to science. But what else can I do? I’m not talented at all. I can’t do anything. And who in their right mind would consider acting/singing as a career? I’m not near talented enough to pursue a career in that area, and I hate maths, so that rules out about three-quarters of jobs that I could possibly consider. I’m feeling really stressed out - stressed out because I’m scared that I’m going to fail uni, get kicked out, and disappoint my parents. A part of me wonders if going to uni was even the right thing to do, since the only reason I really went was because it was social convention, and my parents would kill me if I didn’t go. That, and they don’t know what a ‘gap year’ is.
This year really has been the worst year, in terms of everything: education, love, friendship, motivation, you name it. And it’s only going to get worse. Everything is going to get worse. Why do I think it’s all due to my break-up? Well, that’s simple. Ever since the break-up, I’ve lost the will and motivation to do everything. I’ve lost the confidence to go out without feeling ashamed or afraid of what people think. I guess you could say, she was the only person I could rely on, and once you lose that person that you relied so heavily on, your life changes drastically. I just don’t want to do anything. I’m still not over her too. Six months, and I still can’t get over her. What’s wrong with me? Every time I convince myself that I’m over her, I only come to realise that I’m lying to myself. Now I feel like no girl would ever like me because I’m such a pathetic, lazy, stupid, ugly person, and that I’ll be single forever. AND, to top it all off, the fact that the girl I like got a boyfriend is really starting to bother me - I can’t get it off my mind. Regrets? Should I have said something to her? Who knows.. I just hope I can forget about it all.